New Zim: Now with Less Green!
by Tallest Phoenix
Summary: Zim has begun to notice that his disguise is failing. He uses a machine invented by Prof. Membrane to turn himself and Gir human, supposedly temporarily, as a better disguise with unexpected results.
1. The Horrible Squirrel Man Of Doom

**Hi there. This is Phoenix with yet another fic. Yay! I know, you're positively giddy, right? Anyway, this is not a bit of sweet and lovely ZaDr fluff, this is literature, so if you're looking for that, leave me now. Uh… First IZ fic ever, I know I usually do JTHM or FMA. Enjoy, don't, not my business, just read it or go away. **

**DISCLAIMER: Okay, you already know what this is going to say, so why don't I spare you? **

**___________________________________________________________________________**

"Yes! I've done it!" Professor Membrane stood back to admire his work, then called his unpaid, intern assisstant over. "Jenkins! Look!"

"What is it?' he asked in amazement.

"A Hu-" the professor began, but was interrupted.

"What is it?'

"A Humifi-"

"What is it?"

Membrane sighed. "I get this strange feeling of deja vu. Anyhow, this is a Humificaton Machine."

"Ooh..."

"Yes. Ooh indeed."

"What does it do?" asked the assisstant.

Membrane was all too willing to explain. "This device is capable of turning anything capable of forming a thought: Birds, chipmunks, dogs, even, I dare say, robots, into humans."

"Does it work?" asked Jenkins.

"We tested it on a squirrel someone found on the way to work one morning. That," said Membrane, "is how _you_ came to be."

Zim sat up in his chair. He had known it would eventually be a good idea to bug not only the Dib human, but his entire family as well. The night had been a long one, and it was now 2 am. Dib monkey was asleep, and the one called Gaz was playing a new video game. Nothing too interesting. He had just been about to tell Gir to bring him a snack, when he heard what the human child's father had been doing. A Humification Machine...

It had been three whole years since Zim landed on Earth. All of the young humans had grown much taller in that time. Zim, however, was about as tall as he was ever going to get. That and the fact Zim had green skin, no ears, and no nose had made the past few years hell for him, but he had struggled through in spite of it all, desperate to better his disguise. And this new machine was like a calling, a gift from the heavens. The squirrel man was living proof that it did in fact work. Plus, Zim knew that the building's weak security stood no chance against his superior Irken technology. Hell, he would just have Gir see to that. Idiot or no, even Gir could handle a simple thing like shutting down the defense mechanisms.

Zim smirked. It was a crazy plan. Crazy enough to work.

Dib awoke with a start. He always had trouble sleeping whenever his dad brought a new invention home. Dib was sure that someone, or _something_, would try to steal it. He sighed, and tried to go back to sleep. _No one's out there, _Dib told himself. _Not yet. Go to sleep. God knows you need it._

Then as if on cue, Dib heard a loud thump outside his window. He ran to his sister's room.

"Gaz!" he shouted. "Gaz, are you awake?!"

Gaz sighed. "Quiet down, Dib. You idiot."

"Did you hear that?" asked Dib, now whispering.

Gaz rolled her eyes. Dib was nearly fifteen years old, and yet he was still afraid of the Boogeyman. "I didn't hear _anything._"

"I'm telling you, Gaz," her brother began. "I heard something. Something outside!"

Gaz put a hand on her forehead. Black-painted nails brushed burgundy hair. She sighed again. "Go away, Dib."

Dib looked down dejectedly, then started back to his room. Halfway to Gaz's door, he stopped. "I'm gonna go check it out!" He ran out before Gaz could stop him.

"Dib! You freak!" But Gaz didn't really care any more. Worst case scenario, whatever was down there would eat, shoot, cut up, or otherwise kill her annoying brother, which really didn't bother her. Gaz went back online.

"Quiet, Gir," whispered Zim. "We don't want the humans to know we're here."

The small robot's eyes turned blood red. "Yes, my lord." He saluted.

"Now lift me up to the window."

"Yes, Master." Gir followed his master's command, until a small squirrel distracted him. His large eyes returned to their original light blue as he began to yell: "Ooh! Squirrel!"

Gir then reached out to pet the squirrel, thus dropping Zim. The alien cried out, and made a loud thud upon impact. "GIR! Look what you did!"

The tiny robot looked down like an ashamed child. "I… I like squirrels…" Gir began to cry softly.

"Gir… I…"

Then Gir began sobbing hysterically. "I LIKE SQUIRRELS!" He threw a teary, screaming, fit until Zim finally interrupted

"Okay, okay! All is forgiven by the almighty Zim. NOW STOP CRYING!"

Gir did just that, and was instantly happy, singing a song about bacon (Oh, the powers of ADD).

Once inside the house, Zim knew exactly where to go. He had watched the Dib worm's father instruct a group of men on where to put it. There was only one guard, and Zim saw that he was fast asleep. All was smooth sailing from this moment forth.

The machine itself was a thing which looked like a giant, metal shower pod. Next to it sat a keyboard, which was mainly for show; Zim knew that to operate the thing, all a person needed to do was press a button on the outside, then step in.

He had no idea if it was completely safe, nor if the procedure would hurt… So Zim decided to test it out on Gir first. He pressed the button, then shoved the still-singing little android into the contraption and quickly slammed the door.

Zim heard screaming from inside the machine, and wondered if Gir was all right. But soon he realized that he was screaming not from pain, but from excitement. The idiot liked it! So it didn't hurt, he gathered, but reminded himself that the robot had always been a bit slow, and Zim still had no idea if Gir could actually feel, so those newfound discoveries should be taken with a grain of salt.

The machine soon stopped, and Zim opened the door. What he saw shocked him.


	2. The Squisehness that is Gir

**Howdy do to you, humans. This is Phoenix, with more of my amazing tales of enchantment, faeries, and ZaDr. Lies! I was seeing if you were actually awake. **

**I was super omega surprised that you guys actually reviewed this 4 TIMES! And none of them were by my mommy or two brothers. I was so happy that I actually did a happy little jig. Kioku laughed at me…**

**Anyway, nothing belongs to me besides this WONDERFUL fic, so all credit for the storyline goes to my man Jhonen. (OH, and so you know, my cousin Darcy has an account now. 'Nny's lil Devi Bunny'. God help us all… She's crazy like moose, more so than me.)**

**____________________________________________________________________**

In the floor of the machine sat a tiny, naked, silver-haired human boy. "Do it again!" he shouted in a shrill voice so familiar to Zim.

"Gir?" Zim asked.

"I'M SQUISHEH!!" the boy replied. Yep, it was Gir.

So the machine wasn't fatal to use. Actually, from Gir's reaction, it seemed kinda fun. Zim shoved Gir out, pressed the button, and went inside.

AVAVAVA

Gir was an effing idiot. For the moment Zim, stepped inside the machine, he heard a low, humming sound. A blue light flashed in his Irken eyes. Then the pain began.

It felt as though every cell in Zim's body were being dissolved away with acid. His veins were on fire. Zim let out a cry of sheer agony. Then, black.

The next thing Zim could remember was being poked in the forehead.

"WAKEH WAKEH!!"

"Gir…?" asked Zim weakly. He sat up. "How long have I been out?"

The child looked up. "Hm… I dunno."

"You DON'T KNOW?" After no answer from Gir, Zim sighed and ran a hand through his… Hair! Zim looked at his hand. _Human! Pale, non-green skin!_ He laughed. "Success! Gir, do you know what this means?"

"Uh… waffles?"

Zim stared at him. "No! It means… Uh…. AAGH! I FORGOT WAS I WAS GOING TO SAY! GIR!!"

"Ye-es?"

"YOU IDIOT!" Zim stopped. "Oh, yeah, I remember now. It means, we are now just normal human dirt monkeys! Now our disguises are perfect!"

Gir threw his fists up in the air. "YAAAY! CONQUEST!"

Zim stood up and dragged Gir with him. "TO THE BASE!"

As they started to leave, Zim noticed that the room seemed smaller. _Or he had gotten taller…_ Zim grinned and punched the air, quietly saying "Yess!" He jumped out the window, dragging Gir along by the wrist.

It then occurred to Zim that they were both completely naked, none of Zim's clothes would fit him now, and Gir_ had _no clothes. He remembered that this was also the Dib-worm's house. Zim snuck into Dib's room (waaay too easy for him to do, by the way. It's like the child WANTED to get abducted by aliens, murdered, or raped at night) and stole some of his clothes. They were all too tall for Gir, though, but they would have to do. The two then quickly left the place.

When Zim and Gir got home, they went straight to sleep on the couch. Zim had wanted to report to his Tallest immediately, but he was too tired to even make it upstairs. It would just have to wait until after skool the next day…

The next morning, at the Membrane house, all was quiet. Until…

"GAZ! COME QUICK!"

Gaz sighed at the sheer stupidity of her brother. "What?"

"THE ALIENS TOOK MY CLOTHES!!"

AVAVAVAVAVA

Zim proudly marched into hi skool the next day with a smug look on his face. People stared. When he entered the classroom, he heard someone ask, "Hey, who's the new kid?" Zim smirked. Dib frowned. Apparently, he thought Zim was gone forever, and now there was no alien to stalk, so now Dib had nothing to do.

Zim laughed, then stood up. "There is no new kid! It is I, Zim!"

Everyone stared. Dib raised an eyebrow. "Zim," remarked Zita, "you look… different somehow."

"Yeah… but I can't place it…"

Dib stood up on his desk, like he did in elementary skool. "Different? He's-" Dib's desk toppled over. "Damn… forgot I can't do that now…" He got up and brushed himself off. "Different? He's not green anymore! And he has ears! A nose! And you don't get that tall OVERNIGHT! IT'S IM-FREAKIN'-POSSIBLE!!"

A classmate shook his head. "No… that's not it."

Dib turned to Zim. "I'm on to you! I know what you're doing!" He poked Zim. "What is this? A hologram?"

"Nope." Zim laughed. "Listen, Dib-monkey. You _could _spend your time trying to guess how I'm doing this. But it won't get you anywhere. You'll_ never_ find out. So you and your big, human head should just give it up."

Dib frowned. "I'll find out, Zim. Count on it." He turned and walked back to his desk. "And my head is NOT big!"

Just then, their teacher, Ms. Bitters (yes, she got a job at the hi skool. These guys will only be free when she dies) floaty-walked in the classroom with a small, silver-haired boy in a bright green hoodie. He looked as though he could be no older than 10, with huge blue eyes.

"We have a new drone of the education system today, class," Bitters spat. "Tell us your name, and give a VERY SHORT statement about yourself, then sit behind Zim and shut up!"

The boy grinned broadly. "Hi, I'm Gir! I like MOOSE and HIIII, ZIIIM AND DIB-MONKEH!!" He sat down happily.

"Gir?" whispered Zim. "What are you doing here?"

"I got sent here by the truant-guy-thingee," answered Gir.

"You know him?" asked Zita.

"He's my…" Zim paused. "My… little brother! Yes! We are the offspring of the same two human Earth-monkeys." He grinned his little 'I'm-so-innocent-please-belive-me' grin (you've all seen it before, don't act like you haven't).

"Why is he in the same class as us?"

"Is he moving up from a lower grade?"

"Um, yeah," answered Zim. "He's… uh… very, very smart." He patted Gir's head. Gir was not helping the excuse, however, for at that very moment, he started banging his head against the desk and exclaiming "WHEEE!" for no apparent reason. Zim gave an awkward laugh, and turned to Gir. "GIR!" he whispered. "ACT SMART!"

"SILENCE!" hissed the teacher. And so the day began.

**Oh, still there, are you? Cool beans. Listen, do a guy a HUGE favor and review this. If you do, I will probably do a happy dance, and I might even send you a video of it. But if you don't want to see me dance like fool, please tell me, and you won't be forced to witness such terrible events.**

**FYI: Human Zim looks like an interesting comination of Nny and Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy.**

**Human Gir looks a lot like Mitsukuni "Hunny" Haninozuka, for those of you who watch Ouran High School Host Club. **


	3. New Pathetic Human Life

**Hi hi! Like, wow! Two chapters today. That's a cool new thing for me. Usually, I just say, 'Ah, Monk is on…' and then go get distracted. But now… Wow. Yay for me, and, well, you guys. I would put a disclaimer, but then I would be accusing you of either lacking half a brain or skipping ahead to the third chapter. Enjoy. **

Zim and Gir sat by themselves in the back of the lunchroom. Gir had wanted to eat with Zim, who was wondering how he would survive through 24-hour, nonstop… _Gir_-ness.

"Have you ever danced with a tuna before?" Gir asked.

Zim sighed. "No, Gir. I can honestly say I haven't."

"Well it's FUHN!"

Dib was watching from afar. "Gaz, I'm telling you! Zim's got some new disguise thingy, and he's using it on the people of Earth!"

Gaz didn't look up from her GameSlave BS. "'Disguise thingy'?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah!" Dib answered. "But it's not a hologram. See? It's so real-looking! His little robot has one too! How do you think he's doing it? I think it's mind control, so your brain thinks it's seeing…" He stopped and looked at his sister. "Gaz, are you even listening?"

"What do _you_ think, Dib?"

Dib frowned, and then went back to watching the two "brothers" intently.

AVAVAVAVAVAVA

When Zim and Gir reached the base, Zim at once boldly announced:

"Gir! To… that place… You know, with the scienc-y, tech-y stuff where things get done… You know what I'm talking about! Take me there!"

"Hm… with the computers and-"

"That one! Just do it now!"

Gir then flushed his master down the toilet pipe thing (which he barely fit in now) and into the room that Zim was so desperately trying to describe. Once there, Zim immediately began his report to the Tallest. The huge screen blinked on. The two tall leaders showed up on it. They stared at Zim.

"My Tallest, I have-"

"Who the hell are you?" asked the Red one.

"I-"

"Are you the human who finally got rid of Zim?" interrupted the Purple one.

"No, I-"

"Good job! We are eternally in your debt!"

"No, My Tallest! I _am_ Zim!" Zim explained.

They looked surprised. "Zim?" asked Red.

"You look…" Purple paused, looking for a word. "More _human-y._"

Zim grinned. "That's because I am."

"What?" the Tallest asked in unison.

"I used Earth technology to make myself one of them, as a disguise."

The leaders frowned. "Uh… bad news," said Red.

"We're gonna have to let you go," said Purple. "We can't have some human running around doing an Irken's job."

Zim's stomach (he has one now) did a flip. "I'm… _fired _ from being an Invader?"

"You understand, right?"

"R.. Right." Zim was lying. He didn't understand at all. He was in shock. His world was being turned upside down.

"Good." They waved cheerfully. "Bye forever, Zim!" The transmission ended. Zim was alone. Forever. He did all that he knew how at this point: collapsed to the ground and started crying.

**Yikes. Poor Zim. But hey, if you wanna cheer him up, review this thing. I mean, seriously, he'll perk right up.**


	4. Zim, Emo?

**THREE CHAPTERS??!! In one day? From this guy? Phoenix, old boy, you amaze yourself. Enjoy, friends. Maybe I'll finish a fourth.**

****DISCLAIMER*** I like toast. Haha.**

Zim didn't want to go to skool the next day. He wanted to stay in bed, if he had to be alive at all. He was in a deep state of depression. But he had to go, if only for Gir's sake.

Gir walked silently next to Zim, looking up at his master. He didn't know what was making him so sad. All Gir knew was that he wanted Zim to be happy.

______________________________________________________

When Dib got to skool, he was surprised to see Gir quiet for once. He wondered what was up. Then he saw Zim, looking like a guy who had been dumped after a year-long relationship. Why? Class was already starting, so he sat down, unable to ask Zim what was wrong.

`Dib took out a piece of paper and wrote 'What's wrong?' on it**. **Then, when the teacher wasn't looking, handed it to Zita and mouthed "Give this to Zim". She did so.

Zim unfolded the paper, read the note, shook his head, and handed it to Gir, who looked sadly at Dib.

AVAVAVAVAVAVA

At lunch time, Dib stood up. "Gaz, I'm gonna go see what's bothering Zim. Okay?"

"Took you long enough," was her reply.

Dib went over to Zim, who was sitting with his head on the table. Gir was beside him, as always. "Hey," said Dib quietly. "Is everything okay? You look kinda… depressed."

Zim looked up. "Why do you care?"

"Well…" Dib began, "You're kind of the reason I even come here anymore. I mean, you make life fun for me, and lately you haven't been putting up much of a fight."

"Get used to it."

"Huh?"

Zim sighed. "I'm no longer a threat to your Earth. Or… our Earth. We… me and Gir… We're human now."

"What?" asked Dib. He wasn't so sure he believed him.

"And now the Tallest have completely disowned me because I'm not Irken anymore. I'm not an Invader." He sighed again. "I don't have a purpose."

"Oh." Dib decided that Zim wasn't lying; his sorrow sounded genuine enough. Maybe Dib was just being gullible, but he really felt bad for Zim. He noticed a large gash on Zim's wrist. "What's that?'

Zim sighed. "I did that."

"How?" asked Dib. "Did you fall or-" He stopped, realizing what had happened in terror. "Zim, you don't mean you...? Oh, come on, Zim! Don't go emo on me!"

Zim let out a mocking yet unwonted, barking laugh. "Idiot! What would that prove? Why do people even do that?" With a long, deep sigh, he added, "I was trying to end it. But Gir stopped me before I could make it deep enough." Gir looked down.

Dib couldn't believe what he was hearing. Could this really be the cocky, condescending Zim he knew and even grew to respect? "Zim, you can't really-"

"Why not?!" The mindless chatter of the people around them seemed far away now. "What possible reason could I have for living now?!"

Gir flinched.

"Do it for me," answered Dib. "Okay?"

Zim looked up. "Why? I thought you _hated _me."

"So did I," Dib replied, pushing up his glasses. "But now I've come to realize that you're a huge part of my life. You give me purpose. I think..." he paused. "I think that's the definition of friendship."

Zim stared at him. "So... _you _want to be _friends_?"

"I think we already are. Right?"

Zim smiled a bit, then pretended Dib hadn't seen it, and returned to his usual self. "Very well. Your invitation of human 'friendship' has been accepted by the almighty Zim." Gir smiled joyfully.

Dib grinned in spite of himself. "Wanna sit with me and Gaz?"

Zim nodded. He snapped. "GIR!"

Gir gave an overjoyed "Ee-hee!" and ran to the table, where Gaz still sat, playing her BS.

As they were walking away, Zim turned to Dib. "Thanks," he said. Dib nodded.

**See? Your comments make happy Zim! He's happy, I'm happy, you're happy. Happy happy happy! This is turning out to be like an anime. Sorry, I just had to make Zim look emo. Had to. **

**For those of you who care, I just made a 'Z?' shirt like the one Johnny C. has. But the '?' is backwards.... Stupid iron ons...**

**Review or Gir gets raped by Lard Nar. Please... save Gir.**


	5. Bigass author note

**Hello, this is Phoenix. This wee lil chapter is all one big author's note. (Please don't tell on me)**

**Thank you guys so freakin' much for actually taking the time to read this. And to the guys who actually comment:**

**little girl- GROWN UP**

**JoeMerl**

**pocketwatchgirl**

**Goofyannoyingkid**

**Yes, I remembered your names. I've been to your profiles too. Most of you, I've PMed. That's just the kind of guy I am. Obssessive and personal. If it's not my business... I tend to make it so. Making new friends is fun. ^^**

**It's summer here in Dixieland. Lovely lovely lovely. Not that I like outside. The only summerish things I do involve vacationing. We're going to the mountains next week, and to RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT MUSEUM, OMG!! It's like taking L to a candy store. Happy! And just because I don't say that enough... Happy! Are you guys having a fun summer, if you're still a kid enough to enjoy that sort of thing? I am. It's a doujinshi, IZ, anime and aliens summer!! Woot!! (And I hope I'm not forced into tubing again... That shit was boring as all tuna.)**

**But thanks, even if you don't comment (Invader Dib, I know you're there! *frown*). I want you to, since you KNOW I love feedback. Feedback is like a pretty girl. Or... a turkey sandwich. Yeah, it's more like the sandwich. I'd rather have the sandwich, since the sandwich can't get me in trouble, and hopefully has no scary dad or brothers to beat me up. But the reviews! Reviews are better than sandwich! Better than moose! Better than GAZ (hey, now, let's not go that far!). But I really do like for you to read this, and even the people who I didn't list, please know that I loves you guys, and I'm so glad you noticed my fic enough to read it.**


	6. Cheesecake Llama of Unending Peril

**Konnichi wa, readers. Yes, he writes more. Much more. Not really, but still. Pretend it's a lot. With imagination, anything is possible.**

Zim stared angrily into the eyes of his enemy.

"Zim, what the hell are you doing?"

"The bird... It mocks Zim."

Dib sighed, rolling his eyes. "The _bird, _Zim?" His friend nodded.

"Oh, yes! The bird knows!" exclaimed Zim. "It KNOWS!!"

"Knows what?" Dib asked.

"You stupid bird!" Zim yelled, completely ignoring Dib's question. "You'd come down and fight man to man with Zim if you weren't such a coward!"

Dib groaned, grabbed Zim by the wrist, and dragged him away. "Come on."

Zim shook his other fist at the bird and continued to threaten it. "You think you have beaten me?! ZIM SHALL BE BACK!!"

Gir followed the other two with Gaz close behind, paying no attention at all. "BYE BYE, BIRDIE!" Gir shouted happily on his way past.

**flashback**

Dib approached Zim once again after skool. Gir was singing Zim the Llama Song.

"What the HELL is a cheesecake llama??!!"

"Hey, Zim?" said Dib, trying to get his attention.

"Whaat?!" Zim turned around. "Oh, it's you. What is it?"

"Sorry to interrupt your llama singing, Gir-"

"THANK YOUUU...!" Zim said with a desperate look. "That was the 27th time he's sung it today!"

"That many times? Wow." Dib shook his head, getting back on subject. "Anyway, I wanted to know if you guys would like to experience Earth as a human."

Zim crossed his arms. "Ha! Three years, Dibhuman! You think I haven't done so already?"

Dib frowned. "You coulda just said no." He started to walk away.

"I want to," said Zim. Dib stopped. "But it's not like it's a new thing for Zim. Silly big-headed Dibworm."

Dib sighed. "You know you do't have to keep calling me that. We _are_ friends now."

Zim raised an eyebrow. "What? 'Big-headed'?" he asked. "It's true, y'know."

"NO IT'S NOT!!" shouted Dib. "I meant 'Dibworm', and 'Dibmonkey', and all those others! They're demeaning!"

Zim pouted. "No they're not."

"Yes they are!" Dib sighed. "How would you like it if I did that to you?"

Zim sighed. "Zim would not..."

"Just call me Dib, okay? Just Dib."

"Dib..." Zim huffed like a small child. "Fine!"

"Aw..." said Gir. "But I liiieek Dibmonkeh!"

"I don't care," said Dib. "I don't."

"But!"

"No."

"BUT!"

"No, Gir!"

"BUUUT!!"

"*sigh* Fine."

Zim pouted. "Why does HE get to call you Dibmonkey?"

"Because, Zim," replied Dib. "He's annoying."

"I can be annoying, too!" protested Zim.

"SHUT UP!" demanded Gaz. "I WANT QUIET! GIR! CALL DIB DIBMONKEY! ZIM! QUIT WHINING! I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF THINK!"

"Yes, ma'am..."

Gaz sighed in frustration. She pushed a strand of burgundy hair behind her multiply-pierced ears and went back to her game. Zim felt hot. His heart started beating faster. Were these symptoms of some human disease? Zim had never noticed how beautiful the Gaz actually was. No... No disease. Zim was... actually attracted to the Earth female. He may have even been falling in love with her.

Zim raced out of the classroom, almost leaving Gir behind.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAV

Now it was the weekend. Zim knew he would have to face Gaz today. He had barely made it through the skoolweek alive, and now... But he'd already told Dib he would go. Zim couldn't back out now. Besides, the almighty Zim shouldn't have to fear a little human girl, no matter how stunning.

"No human, especially a small girl, shall frighten the almighty ZIM!" he said out loud. Zim began spazzing out in a very him-ish manner, and Gir, without questioning why, merrily joined in.

Around lunchtime, Zim and Gir met the other two at their house.

"What do we do now?" asked Dib.

Zim shrugged. "You're the earthling. I'm new at this."

"You told me you weren't!" said Dib.

"YOU LIE!" screamed Zim, pointing at Dib. "YOU LIIIEEEE!"

"Umm...." Gir said. "Hungryy..."

"Oh," said Dib. "You guys wanna go get something to eat?"

"YAAY!" Gir hugged Dib.

"Meh," said Gaz.

Zim stared at Dib, a bit confused. Dib sighed. "Humans can eat human fod. That includes you."

"Oh. Okay."

AVAVAVAVAVAVAV

The four sat somewhere, eating sandwiches. Gir practically inhaled his, then was forced to sadly watch the others finish their food.

Gir sighed. "I miss my sammich..."

Dib looked at him. "Then you shouldn't have eaten so quickly."

Zim sighed. "Look, Gir, I'll get you another one if-"

"BUT YOU'RE NOT A SAMMICH MOMMA!!"

Dib raised an eyebrow. "Sandwich momma? They have kids now?"

Gir was obviously puzzled, and intrigued. "Hm... How does a sammich have babies?" he asked.

Gaz sighed. "They do very dirty things at night."

Gir cocked his head. "Does they roll around on the floor?"

Zim laughed. "No, Gir. They..." He paused. "Huh. Hey, Dib....?"

Dib got very tense and was quiet for a while. Zim wasn't from here. Of course he wouldn't know about... _That_. After a long pause, he answered, "Sandwich stork."

Zim made a face. "'Stork'...?"

Dib sighed, then, blushing a bit, whispered in Zim's ear.

"What's _that_?... Oh. EW!" An expression of horror came across Zim's face. He looked at Dib, making sure he had heard correctly. Dib nodded. Zim looked at Gaz, blushed, and turned away. He was quiet for the rest of the meal.

**Ha, wow. Congrats, Zim, you've just been given 'the talk'. **

**Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go laugh until my head e'splodes.**

**Thanks to little girl- GROWN UP for ideas. (Yes, yes! Thank you, buddy! I SAID I would put it in there!) And also, it's fun writing Zim's dialogue. He uses third person a lot.**

**Review or Dib will be forced to dress as maid. (Do it even if you want him to)**


	7. His Reason

**So… frickin'… EARLY! Why does morning have to be so EARLY!! They should outlaw… EARLYNESS! As you can tell, the almighty Phoenix is no morning person. So to make myself happy, I write this. Enjoy, but I understand if you don't, 'cause it's so EARLY! (Damn, boy! How many times did you say that word?!) (*People, please leave reviews on how many times he said 'early'. The boy is prematurely senile, to the point of referring to himself in the third person.) **

(random bit of randomness that has nothing to do with the story, but your crazy author guy thought it would make you guys laugh)

Gir- (sigh) I miss flying… Ooh! I know! (flaps his arms) IT'S NOT WORKING!!!

Dib- Gir, stop that.

Gir- WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!!! WHIIIEEEEE??!!

Zim- Gir! Stop your failing! You embarrass Zim!

Gir- (stops) I sawed a birdie do it…. (Happy again) Ooh! Taco!

Zim- See? Isn't ADD great?

Dib- All hail the powers of distraction.

Gir- I'MA GONNA GET YOUUU, TACOOO!

"WHAT IS THAT?" Zim stood before a shiny metal platform in an arcade. It had multicolored buttons with arrows on them, and a large screen stood over it.

"That," answered Dib. "Would be Dance Dance Revolution."

Zim stared. "Wha?"

"You have to step on the arrows as they show up on the screen," Dib explained. "It's a game. Don't tell me you've never heard of it before."

"Feh! Zim has heard of it! Fool!" It was very obvious that he was lying.

"Yay!" Gir squealed in glee. "I wanna play!"

"Okay…"

And that Gir did. He was actually very good. Zim never played, but stared at the machine as if it were going to eat him.

AVAVAVAVAVAV

Later on in the day, Gir decided that it would be a good idea to poke Gaz repeatedly, saying over and over "Hey, lady!" Gaz finally turned around.

"WHAT?!" she snapped.

"I…" Gir paused. "Huh, I forgot."

Gaz then began bludgeoning Gir with her little… purse- backpack thingee (You've seen girls carry those around, yes?). Zim and Dib watched nervously, hoping desperately that they weren't next. At which point, Zim said:

"Dib."

"Huh?"

"Why… are you doing this? It's…" Zim paused. "Out of character."

"I told you why," said Dib. "Isn't that enough?"

Zim shook his head. "The bigger question is… Why do I trust you?"

"I asked myself the same thing," replied Dib. "My best answer was, well… We're really two of a kind, you and me. I've always believed deep inside that if we met under different circumstances, we would probably been friends anyway. Well… here's our circumstance." Dib extended a hand. "Let's start over."

"Never," said Zim. Dib was confused. Zim spoke again. "Never… in my entire life has anyone, human, Irken, or otherwise, ever really acknowledged me as an invader, or even my very existence. To them, to everyone, I was just a nuisance. They all wanted me gone. I could have died, and none of them would ever care. If anything, they'd celebrate." Zim smiled sadly. "I always pretended that wasn't true. I told myself it was a lie, and I even began to believe it was. But then…" Zim let out a trembling sigh. "The Tallest… You should have seen it when they told me they wanted nothing to do with me. They were so…_ happy_. And I realized… that's what they really thought of me all this time._ All _of them did.

"But you… You actually thought of me as a threat. You respected me as your rival. You thought I was worth your time, and I was so glad that you never looked at me as 'just a minor annoyance' that needed to be gotten rid of. And, honestly, I never wanted to kill you. Lock you up in a small bird cage as a prisoner of war, _probably_. But never kill you. I wouldn't even let you die."

Dib frowned. "What about the pig thing?"

Zim shrugged. "I was making sure you knew I was still a threat."

"I ALMOST DIED!"

"If you did, so what? I'd just go back and reverse it. I could watch you die as often as I wanted to without you actually being gone," Zim grinned, a bit evilly. "It was fun."

"So mean…!"

"That was the point." Zim sighed, once again serious. "I guess it's because… In a way… Hm… Any way Zim phrases this he sounds weak… You were always the closest thing to being my only real friend. Happy now?!"

Dib smiled. "Yeah. I am." He reached out to help Zim up. And Zim shoved his hand away.

"Zim needs no help!"

Dib sighed. "Yeah, whatever, man. Wasn't really the point." _Yeah, he's still Zim,_ thought Dib.

"Aw, so sweet!" said a voice that was familiar, and yet, somehow not. The two looked up. There stood a tall, pale, pretty girl with short indigo hair that almost covered her left eye. Her eyes were heavily lined and had a very bored look to them. The girl wore a black, very revealing halter top, but was a bit on the flat-chested side. On her long legs were fishnet stockings under a violet miniskirt, and long boots covered in buckles.

"Hi," said the girl. "I'm Tak."

Dib blushed, and found himself unable to speak. So, Zim answered for him.

"I'm Zim, this is Dib, of the big head." Dib frowned. Zim continued. "Hey, have we met before?"

Tak laughed. "I doubt it. My dad and I just moved here. I start skool on Monday."

"W-w-which one?" asked Dib, babbling like an idiot.

"The Hi Skool over there." She pointed in the general direction of the skool.

"Hey," said Zim. "We go there."

"Really?" Tak smiled, showing almost Mary Sue-ish straight teeth. "It'll be good to know some people there. Well, I have to go help unpack. Bye."

Zim looked at Dib once the girl was gone. "What?" asked Dib. Zim continued to stare. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Idiot."

**Well, there ya go. And do feel free to comment. I didn't notice that the 'anonymous reviews' thingee was turned off. I fixed it, since I rather like those. Now everybody and their Uncle Charlie can review! Yay for them.**

**Bet you didn't expect Tak to show up?**

**Dib- I DIDN'T!!**

**Zim- I did. (Lie.)**

**Phoenix- And what was WITH you, Dib? Get a GRIP, man! She's not even half as awesome as Gaz-**

**Zim- True dat.**

**Phoenix- Stupid fanboy!! You dumb like a moose!!** **You are a bad representation of us Dibs everywhere! (He talks tough, sure, but put him in a room with Devi, Gaz, and Haruhi. See if he even talks at all.)**

**Uhhhhh….. This is dedicated to little girl- GROWN UP (who wants to run away with me and live in a little gingerbread house. I know you want me, don't deny it- Haha, KIDDING! That was a joke. Don't be maaad…..)**

**Special thanks to my momma, who feeds me (Please don't kill the poor woman. It's not her fault, she has to.)**

**So long. I'll miss you. Please write. Gir will go to your house and give you a cake with me in it, and I will jump out (with a shirt ON, pocketwatchgirl) and hug you if you do. I may even sing you a little song.**


	8. It's Cold, Ya Dumbasses

**Hello, and welcome back to… this thing! Now Zim will yodel for you.**

**Zim- As if! The almighty ZIM yodels not!**

**Yeah, whatever.**

**Zim- YOU WILL ALL BOW TO ME!!**

The following Monday, the friends sat together at lunchtime. Zim was sitting a bit closer than usual to Gaz, and Dib was nervously glancing around the lunchroom.

"Give it up," said Zim. "She's not coming."

"Yeah," said Dib, sadly. "Maybe she has a different lunch period or something."

"Probably."

Gaz's reply was "Meh", as usual.

Gir stood up on the table. "MUFFIN." He declared, and then burst out laughing. "Muffin!"

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV

After skool, they all walked home together. Dib kept glancing over his shoulder. No sign of Tak yet. Dib wondered where she was.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV

When the weekend came, Zim and Dib were sitting outside the Taco Hell (guess where I got that from and you win a noodle), trying to decide what to do. They had left their siblings at home.

"Are you sure it's okay for Gir to stay home alone like that?" asked Dib.

Zim shrugged. "Ah, I put him in front of the TV with that TERRIBLE monkey, and some waffles. He'll never even know I'm gone. Hopefully the place won't be destroyed when I get back. _Hopefully._"

Dib sighed. "As for Gaz, I think she wanted me gone."

"What makes you think that?"

"Well," replied Dib. "She literally kicked me out the door."

Zim laughed, then got serious. "Gaz… Is she…?" He cut himself off. "Never mind."

Dib was curious, then brushed Zim's unfinished question off. "Where do you think… Tak is?"

"Oh!" said Zim. "Didn't I tell you?"

"Tell me… what?"

"Tak lives right next door," Zim said calmly. "I asked her to make sure Gir doesn't destroy my base." He frowned. "I thought you knew."

Dib was in shock. "NO I DIDN'T!!!"

"Oh." Zim shrugged. "Anyway, why do you care?"

Dib looked away blushing. "N-No reason." Zim stared at Dib, with a knowing grin. "What?" asked Dib. "No seriously! What? You're creeping me out!"

"Nothing," purred Zim.

Dib frowned. "Good. But we still haven't figured out what we're gonna do today."

Zim looked up at the sky. Then a huge smile spread across his pale face. "Beach!"

Dib stared at him. "What? That's a little more than random."

"Maybe I'm turning into Gir."

"Well," Dib shook his head. "Even if we went to the beach, how would we get there?

Zim cocked his head. "There's this thing called a _bus_…"

"And where would you even get a bathing suit?"

"Your closet, along with everything else I wear."

Dib made an angry face. "So the aliens DID steal my clothes... No, Zim!" He shook his head. "Not from my closet! Plus, it's been two weeks! How much did you steal?"

"Uh… Not that much."

Dib sighed, and his cellphone began to ring. He answered it. "Hello? Oh, hey, Gaz. … What? THAT'S why you called?... Evil little… Hey, where are you? I hear voices… IN THE BACKGROUND! Not my head!... Oh, cool. Hey, could you get some clothes for Zim?... Because he doesn't have any so he steals mine. … '_So?_'? They're mine! Look, could you just do it? He'll pay you back."

"_Me_?!" Zim stopped listening for a moment to sulk.

"Okay. Thanks. *sigh* I know, Gaz. Bye." Dib hung up. He turned to Zim. "You heard that, right?"

Zim pouted. "It was your idea!"

"Anyway," said Dib, "She was calling to remind me that I'm an idiot."

Zim was struggling very hard not to laugh.

Dib frowned at him. "She's meeting us at the beach."

Zim smiled. "Really?" Dib nodded. Zim threw his arms around Dib and hugged him. After a few minutes, he stepped back awkwardly. "Mention this to no one."

"It never happened…"

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV

Gaz was standing in the parking lot at the beach when they got there with a bag in hand. "Here," She said.

All of the clothes were black. Zim pulled out a shirt that read 'Z?'(Guess where it's from you will also win noodle.)

"Gaz, did you have to get stuff that _you_ like?" asked Dib.

"I'm not taking it back," she replied.

"That's okay,' said Zim. "I like it." He blushed a little. He shook it off, however, and quickly exclaimed: "Onward!" He dashed off to the shoreline.

"Hey!" said Dib. "Wait for us!" The other two chased Zim.

Zim had stopped, and was looking, puzzled, down at his feet.

"What, Zim?" asked Dib.

Zim pointed down. "What's that?" he asked.

Dib looked to where his friend was pointing. "That's a seashell," he answered.

"Seashell? Here?"

Dib stared at him. "Yeah, Zim. Seashells _come_ from the beach."

Zim laughed. "And I guess apples just grow on trees, too?"

"Actually… they do."

Zim laughed again and patted Dib on the head. "You and your 'perfect' logic!"

Dib frowned. "Don't mess up the scythe."

Gaz sighed. "I need to get back to my game." And with that, she left.

"Hey, Zim," said Dib. "Don't you think Gir would want to come, too?"

Zim shrugged. "Too late now." He picked up the seashell. "It's pretty. How do you think it got here?"

_He really thinks seashells don't come from the beach…_ thought Dib. "Who knows?" he asked with a sigh.

Zim held the seashell close to his face, looking at it and smiling. Then, suddenly, to Zim's surprise, a large centipede crawled from inside the shell. Zim shrieked and hid behind Dib, dropping the shell. "Evil! The shell houses evil! It plans to assassinate ZIM!!"

Dib sighed. "Y'know, I thought we were past this when you accused the bird."

"It KNEW!!" yelled Zim.

"Knew WHAT?!"

Zim crossed his arms and pouted. "Zim does NOT have to take this!" He through his jacket off started running towards the water. "Time to see what it's like to touch Earth water and not be burned!"

"Zim!" called Dib. "Wait a minute! It's March! You're gonna freeze your ass off!"

But it was already too late. The ex-Irken had already jumped into the icy cold water. He cried out from the shocking change in temperature. "COLD!"

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV

Zim sat on the sand shivering, his (aha, no, DIB'S) jacket wrapped around him. "Zim s-still dislikes E-Earth water…" he said.

"It's just 'cause you were too stupid to think before you jumped in," said Dib with a sigh. "And wanna know the really funny part? YOU WERE WEARING NORMAL CLOTHES. And Gaz took the bag home with her, so now you have nothing to change into."

"C-cold…"

Dib crossed his arms. "I _said_ you would freeze your ass off, didn't I?"

Zim frowned, then to Dib's surprise, started laughing.

"Are you frickin' insane?" asked Dib. "What's so funny?"

"This," answered Zim, "All of it!" Zim stopped laughed and sighed. "I never expected any of this to happen."

"Neither did I," admitted Dib.

"Do you think… this will last forever?"

Dib smiled. "I-"

"Of course," Zim interrupted. "It really is impossible for anything to last that long. So… to the end of our short, pathetic human lives?" Zim looked at Dib happily.

Dib sighed. "Yes. I do." He smiled. Zim was definitely Zim.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV

They had left the beach, and Zim was now home. "I guess I'll go inside and make sure home still _exists_," he told Dib. Zim opened the door and walked inside.

Zim found no sign of any damage, so he decided to look for Gir. "Gir!" he called. "I'm home!"

The place was quiet. Too quiet for Gir. Zim began to worry. He practically ran into the kitchen. "GIR!" Zim looked around. Then he beheld a sight that terrified and shocked him (No, it was not Sizz-Lorr in a bikini.). His heart stopped beating for a moment.

_Gir…!_

**Zim- (In lederhosen) I despise you, Tallest Phoenix!!**

**Me- Don't care. Yodel, fool, yodel!**

**Zim- Zim doesn't even know how to yodel!**

**Me- Then learn from Dib.**

**Dib- I don't either.**

**Me- Oh… Then go to Switzerland!**

**That's all for now folks. Special thanks to you guys, who read. You're almost as important as me in the writing process, but it's a very close 'almost'. **

**Review or I will send Sizz-Lorr to your house in a bikini! Whazzam!**

**Dib- Gasp!**

**Zim- NOOOO!!!**

**Me- Why aren't you yodeling?!**

**Zim- Uh… YOU LIE! (*Zim's motto: When all else fails, accuse someone of lying*)**


	9. How Did It Come To This?

**WOW! 20 reviews, and I'm only on chapter 9! I know I've said this a lot, but thank you guys so much. All your reviewing and PMing means SO much to me.**

**News: I'm not gonna be able to post anything next week, since me and my cousins are going to the mountains. *Sob* I wish I could bring you all with us…**

**Anyway, I have started up a 'Guess my name' contest. Based on my entries, guess my real name, and you win…. Something. Phoenix is a nickname, thrust upon me by my neighbor, who just made it up randomly. She's insane, by the way. **

**Little girl- GROWN UP, Goofyannoyingkid, invader zims victim, no you can't play. Two of you already have, and won, and the other, you'd better know! We've been friends outside the computer (we go to skool together) for YEARS! How many years again…. Like 4-ish?**

**Well, I should shut up now and let you read.**

Zim stood there for a minute, with a look of sheer terror on his face. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. All he could do was stare.

Suddenly, he came back to his senses. Zim ran as fast as he could, hoping he could catch up with Dib. He needed help, from anyone. A hobo on the side of the road would have worked, but Zim would rather have Dib.

Zim finally saw his friend, walking away from the house. Zim called out Dib's name, stopping him. He frantically told Dib what he had seen, and Dib stared at him through his glasses with a look of great worry and despair. He told Zim to calm down, and that he would help. Zim led Dib back to the house, and showed him what he had found.

Gir was lying on the floor. He was very still, and his eyes were closed. There were no signs of a struggle, but both knew what had happened. Dib looked over at Zim. He was staring with his eyes as wide as they could go, his skin, whiter than usual.

"Zim," said Dib quietly, "I'm so sorry."

Zim trembled. "I… I don't understand. How… How could this have happened?" He stared at the tiny, unmoving child. Gir was always so… energetic. So full of life. And now…

Zim felt wetness, streaking down his face. He was filled with guilt and self-loathing. Why hadn't he gone back to get Gir? He should have insisted on it.

Why did Zim even care? The old Zim wouldn't have. Gir was his minion, not his friend. That's what he would have told himself. But Zim had really come to care for the boy, and now in his absence, felt hollow.

Dib was silent. He didn't know what to say. All he knew to do was watch his friend clutch desperately onto his 'brother', crying.

"Gir…"

And to their surprise, Gir… started _snoring_.

Zim looked down at him. "Gir?"

He had been asleep.

Zim became outraged, and began shaking Gir violently. "GIR!! IDIOT!! WAKE YOURSELF!! NOW!! I _COMMAND_ YOU!!"

Dib stared in a shocked daze as the little one slowly awoke. Gir yawned. "Huh?"

Zim bitch-slapped him. "DON'T 'HUH?' ZIM!! I thought you… I mean Dib thought you… AAGH! YOU IDIOT!"

Gir just looked surprised. "What'd I do?"

Dib sighed. "Gir, why were you sleeping on the floor?"

He shrugged. "I dunno."

Zim then started to yell out every profanity he knew, human and Irken; all of which your author is too much of a gentleman to list. Instead, he will allow you to picture dancing sheep. Picture the sheep. Yes, good. Now back to the story.

When Zim had finished yelling, Dib stared, mouth agape, at the boy. Gir just looked at him strangely, since he didn't understand most of those words anyway, and the ones he did, he didn't get the actual MEANING. Zim just sat, huffing. Then he wrapped his arms around Gir and hugged him. "Never do that again," he said. "That's an order."

Gir smiled his own wide, innocent smile. "Okie dokie!"

Dib smiled a bit, too. Then started coughing.

Zim looked at him. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"It's nothing," said Dib. "Just a little cough."

Zim raised an eyebrow. "Okay…"

Dib nodded, and stood up. He wanted to try and help Zim up, but Gir was still snuggled in Zim's arms like the sweet young child he was. There was no use.

All of a sudden, the room started swaying. Dib felt dizzy. He swayed a bit, then fell to the ground.

**Aw, that was a short chapter! I'm sorry. Are you still picturing the sheep? Good. Anyway, I'm gonna try to finish 10 by the time we leave for Tennessee. **

**The contest is still on. Guess, children, guess! So far, two have won. If you win, I will give you…. A noodle or bunny. Don't know. Probably noodle. I forgot how to do the bunny, so Caro, you're special. And please, folks, don't guess something dumb like 'Sarah' or 'Jose Jalapeno', because I WILL find you.**

**Review or be eaten by the moose! **


	10. Mother Zim

**YES! Chapter 10! I never thought this day would come! I might have to split in half to hug myself! And, as an added happeh, I am now on deviantArt as 'MooseyFateSaysZim'. Go there to look at these guys, the Elric brothers (I can draw armor Al! Yay, me!).**

**Now to see what's happened to the Dib-monkey.**

Zim rushed to Dib's side, causing Gir to fall over, where he lay on the floor, flopping happily. "Dib, are you all right?" Zim asked. There was no answer. "Dib, hey! Wake up!" Dib moaned quietly. He had a fever. "One thing after another… Gir!" said Zim.

Gir stopped his flopping and looked up. "Mm?"

"Help me pick him up!"

Gir nodded, and gleefully helped his master lead the Dib- monkey over to the couch. He didn't know what was going on, and assumed that it was a game. Zim told him to get a blanket while he got in touch with Gaz. Gir smiled, and skipped away to find one.

When he got back, the Dib was awake. Zim sat on the edge of the couch, looking worried. "How you feeling?" he asked the Dib.

"Not the best in the world. Hey, here's a question," said Dib. "Why is it that you're the one who has to come all the way home, cold and soaking wet, and I'm the one who gets sick?"

Zim grinned. "I guess I always have had better luck than you."

"Yeah," agreed the Dib with a weak laugh. Gir smiled. Then the laugh turned into a coughing fit.

"You okay?"

Dib doubled over, coughing. "It… *cough*… hurts…. *cough cough*" Gir began to worry. The Dib-monkey was hurting? He knew then it wasn't a game.

Dib coughed harder. Zim had put a hand on his back. Dib kept coughing, and a thick, red liquid came out. He hacked out a few more mouthfuls, then stared, horrified into his hand.

Zim looked down at the stuff, which now covered Dib's hand. "What is it?" he asked, then made a terrifying connection.

Zim thought back to his attempted suicide. The same substance had come from Zim's wrist. It was blood.

He had had no idea that humans could cough the stuff up. Zim knew that it gushed out upon injury, so he wondered if Dib was hurt.

"Blood…" whispered Dib. "Not good."

Gir was scared. He didn't know what this 'blood' was, but it was apparently a very scary thing to see.

Zim's heart started racing. He looked at Gir. "What do you think we should do?" Gir started crying. He didn't know either. And Dib had passed out again. Zim somehow got Gir to settle down, and they both carried Dib upstairs and put him down on Zim's bed.

Zim immediately went to the computer and typed in 'coughing up blood'. He looked for awhile, and eventually concluded that Dib had pneumonia. Every symptom matched. He looked up how to take care of someone with such a disease. They had no 'antibiotics' (whatever THAT was), so simply caring for the boy would have to do.

Zim went back into the room to find Dib barely awake, and shivering. "Cold…" murmured Dib, in a voice barely above a whisper.

Gir then piled every blanket he could find on top of Dib. Zim looked angrily at Gir, then sighed. "Better?"

Dib weakly shook his head. Zim sighed. They had run out of things to cover him with. Then Zim got an idea….

AVAVAVAVAVAVAV

Dib woke up in the middle of the night. He felt weak, and still very tired. His chest hurt terribly, as though he were being stabbed. He saw Gir, sleeping in a chair, and in front of Dib's face was Gir's little piggy. Dib vaguely remembered Gir handing him the pig, but not much else. Except…..

He felt someone's arms wrapped around his waist. Dib began to struggle. "Hey! Let me go!"

"Dib?" said a voice. "You're awake."

"Zim?" asked Dib. "Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me! Dumb li'l moose." Zim frowned. "Now shut up. I'm trying to keep you warm."

"How? By giving me a heart attack?"

Zim looked at him. "Would that work?"

Dib frowned. "Let's not find out. Get off me!"

Zim sighed. "I _can't_," he said. "I'm trying to keep you warm."

"But I'm not cold!"

"Good. Then it's working."

"Let go!"

"No!"

"Gay!"

"What?! How is Zim gay?!"

Dib sighed. "You don't get it do you?"

"Get WHAT?" asked Zim.

"My point exactly."

**Oh, wow. Really, wow. Okay, it seems Zim really is slow. **

**Thanks to Carolin, Caro, you know who you are! Thanks for the idea. Like, a lot. **

**AAAAND For the special 10****th**** anniversary (or whatever), Keef shall sing you a song. **

**Keef: La-**

**MQuinn1234: *shoots with 12-gauge* DIE!!**

**Me: Okaay, then. Now Tak will sing you a song.**

**Tak: No!**

**Me: Aww… But you have such a pwetty voice! (sparkly chibi eyes)**

**Tak: Oh… Well then okay. **

**Me: HAHA! EXCELLENT! MY PLAN IS A SUCCESS!**

**Tak: What?!**

**Me: Nothing… Here's the song.**

**Tak: I'm not singing th-**

**Me: PWEEEEEEEEEEESE! You're really REALLY pretty, Tak. Like really. Isn't she PRETTY, guys?**

**Dib: Oh, yeah!**

**Gir: I like noodles!**

**Zim: Meh.**

**Me: *picks Zim up and throws him* Bye. Forget Zim. He wasn't even here.**

**Dib: Yes he was.**

**Me: Riiight. *pats Dib, then does the 'he's crazy' little finger loop***

**Tak: Oh, fine! *sigh* I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber, so please don't take me to the pickle farm!!**

**All: LOL!**

**Tak: Silence!! I KILL you!!**

**Please review, and remember, the contest is still on. ^^**


	11. ATTENTION!

**This is a public announcement!!! Does anyone here like Ouran High School Host Club?! I will be holding auditions for places in a club remake one-shot ultimate parody. All you have to do is: **

**Leave a review saying which member you would like to be or would most likely be and why! You will almost DEFINATELY be given a role, although it may not be the member of your pick. Members:**

**Kyoya**

**Hikaru**

**Kaoru**

**Hunny **

**Mori**

**TAMAKI IS TAKEN! I repeat, Tamaki is TAKEN! By.... ME. Yeah, so? It's mine, I can be who I want.**

**This is a parody, and if nobody auditions, I will put random Jhonen Vasquez characters in it, and Nny will be Kyoya!**

**Nny: Please do it... I don't wanna be Kyoya. Hell, I don't even think KYOYA wants to be Kyoya!**

**Qualifications:**

**Kyoya- Half the time, calm, cool, alloof. Other times... Creepy and maniplutative.**

**Hikaru & Kaoru- Both mischievious twins. They act almost the same, but Kaoru's more responsible, and Hikaru's just mean.**

**Hunny- Cute, looks like a little kid. LOVES cake.**

**Mori- Quiet, strong, mature. Hardly talks.**

**PLEASE AUDITION! You'll save Squee from being Hunny, Nny from being Kyoya, and me from getting KILLED!**

**Sorry to distract you. I write more on the actual story now...**


	12. Dib in Love or Lust?

**Wassup? It's me. Johnny. Gasp, now you know my name. I promised you all noodles! AAAAAHH!**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There's your effing noodle!**

**Zim: There's only one noodle there... There's a LOT of them.**

**Me: *throws* Ahaha.... No... Stay back.... Uh.... ZADR!!! *throws pictures of ZADR out to the crowd. The girls stare at them in wonder, and the guys are confused* WAHAHAHA! GIR! TO THE BASE!**

**Gir: Whee-hee! I got monkeys in me!**

**Me: *hops on Gir's back* Aw, shit! You can't fly anymore! *runs away, dragging Gir behind by his hair***

**Hey, you guys ever heard 'Girlfriends' in chipmunk? It's cool.**

**And we have Mori, Kyoya, Tamaki, and Haruhi filled. I'm surprised no fangirl has tried for Hunny.**

Over the next few days, Dib's condition started to improve. He even felt well enough to go to skool the next Monday(after he had missed a week).

Dib had a mountain of make up work from the week he was absent. He sighed, sitting down at his desk. Dib was wondering how he would ever finish it all before graduation, when someone behind him yanked his scythe. "OW~~!!" Dib spun around to face the boy who normally sat behind him, and instead saw...

"_Tak?"_ he asked. "W...Why are you here?"

"I transferred into this class while you were absent," she said smiling. "Were you alright?"

"I.. I'm fine," Dib stuttered.

"Good." Tak flashed perfectly white teeth. (I'm sorry, but have any of you noticed how straight and white and pretty Tak's teeth are compared to the rest of the cast?) She looked at Dib. "Do you have plans for the weekend?" she asked.

Dib's heart stopped. He felt a blush spread across his face. "N... N... No..." he answered.

"Well,'' said Tak, "Maybe we could get together, then. Just..." she got closer and put a hand on Dib's cheek. "... you and me. Together. What do you say, Dib?"

Dib felt warm. He gulped. "S...sure."

"Great. My house at, say, around 7 Friday night?"

"S... Sounds... good."

Tak took her hand away. "And Dib? My dad is away for the whole weekend." She winked. Dib almost melted.

**Oh, wow. What a ho. Sorry, sorry, please continue. Don't mind me.**

Dib went over to Zim's desk in 5th period. Gir was sitting on it.

"Do you have any candy?" he was asking Zim.

"No, Gir," he replied.

"Do you have any candy?"

"No."

"Do you have any candy?"

"No!"

"Do you have any candy? Do you have any candy? Do you have any candy? Do you have any candy? Do you have any candy?"

Zim began to hit himself in the head with a very big textbook.

Gir turned to Dib. "Do YOU have any candy?"

"What? No. But," said Dib. "I do have a date with Tak this Friday."

"Eh?" asked Zim. "What for? She's TAK."

"She's cute," said Dib. "And… she said we'd be alone."

Zim made a face. "Good for you… Why should Zim care?"

"That MEANS…" Dib blushed, and whispered into Zim's ear.

Zim yelped, and jumped about 4 feet into the air. "WHAAT?! THE WORLD NEEDS NO TINY BABY DIB-TAKS!!!!!" Gir looked very confused.

"Dib, you bad, bad boy you," said a voice. The others looked up to see Gam, the author's OC. "Don't stare. I know I'm sexy, but it's rude."

"Wow," said Dib. "Random OCs popping out from nowhere without any previous introduction or build up. Now I know I'm dreaming." He sighed. "And I really thought Tak liked me."

"You noob! You're not dreaming." Gam noticed the canon's eyes on him, and shrugged. "Our boy Jon's just freakin' nuts." Hey…. Don't call me nuts! I'll have you killed or raped or mysteriously turned into a duck and adopted by Gir! I can do that, y'know!

Zim looked up, down and all around in search of the mysterious voice, but couldn't find it. And Gam had randomly disappeared again. He was scared.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

And now to randomly entertain or annoy you, Jonathan shall now say something random. I AM ZANDAR! KING OF CRETANS! MAY ALL LESSER CRETANS BOW BEFORE ME! NOW I USE MY NINJA POWERS! KAMEHAMEHA, OR SOME OTHER SHIT! SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA!

Now back to the story.

The little canon boys, whatever their group is called, all sat in Zim's room.

"How do I look?" asked Dib.

"Meh," scoffed Zim. "You look like a _Dib_."

Dib frowned. "Thanks a lot, Zim. Really."

Gir ran up and hugged Dib. "PRETTY!"

"Okay," said Dib. "Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but okay."

"NOW GO!" Zim shoved him out the door. "And be back before eleven! Call me when you get there! Be safe!"

"WHAT ARE YOU, MY MOM?!" Dib then left for Tak's house.

Now I am WAAAY too nice, and respect little Dib's privacy, so I won't go into too many details of their date. But I WILL tell you that this story is rated T, so maybe that's a good thing. Imagine from there.

**Oh, woooow. Blushers, go ahead and blush, and get it out of your little Earth human systems. This is not madness, it's SPARTA! No, it's actually literature. I apologize, but it was necessary for the story. NECESSARY! And no, they didn't do THAT, I'll go ahead and tell you. So they didn't do THAT, what DID they do? They looked at… PICTURES OF KITTENS!!!**

**Zim: (gasp) DIB, YOU WERE SO YOUNG, SO INNOCENT! NOT KITTENS! NOOOO!**

**BWAHAHAHAHA! I am fully prepared to be disliked by Dib fangirls. And Tak fanboys (if those exist).**

**I have terrible, terrible news. Tomorrow, I head for the mountains with my grandparents and cousins. We'll have fun (despite the fact that I will be surrounded by WOMEN, annoying women, all of them related to me), but that means I won't be near a computer to type. Sorry! But you will all be with me in SPIRIT, and the extra daydream time will mean the next few chapters will be awesomeness incarnate. I tried to up the craziness factor by 78%. Did it work? Were you entertained? Feedback, people, please.**


	13. Magic Hamster Show

**Hello and bok choy. I am back from the mountains. **

**Okays, now Hunny is the only Ouran spot currently available. I AM SHOCKED!**

**Now another chapter for all good chilluns.**

Dib came home on Saturday morning (Ooh…!) to find Zim and Gir sitting on the couch.

"Zim?!" exclaimed a shocked Dib.

Zim looked at him through suspicious eyes. "You didn't come home."

"So? I have a right to come home whenever I want!"

Zim completely ignored Dib's comment. "Why weren't you home last night? You had a curfew."

Dib rolled his eyes. "Yeah, because YOU gave me one! Seriously, Zim. Leave me alone." He started to walk past Zim to his room. Zim stood in front of him, blocking his way. "Move!"

"Not until you tell me why you're home so late!" Dib continued to struggle, and Zim sighed, and carried on in a softer tone. "Come on, Dib. I'm only concerned for your safety. And… little human Earth boy virginity."

"EVER SINCE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT, YOU'VE BECOME A PERV!!!"

Gir was absentmindedly watching a show about magical hamsters.

Zim gasped. "NO ZIM HAS NOT!! Gir! Am I a perv?!"

Gir wasn't really paying attention. "Mm-hm…"

Zim crossed his arms and grinned smugly. "See? Gir doesn't think I am, either."

"But he said 'Mm-hm'," said Dib.

"He's GIR! Therefore, everything he says should be taken to mean the opposite of whatever he actually said."

"What? But that doesn't make any-"

"YOU LIE!!" (See? There's his motto again)

Dib sighed. "Whatever." He tried once more to get past Zim, and failed pitifully.

"Just tell me what happened," said Zim. "Did the car break down?"

"What car?" asked Dib. "I can't even drive. I walked there, remember?"

Zim gasped. "WERE YOU RUN OVER?!!"

"You idiot…" Dib sighed. "Okay, look. Nothing happened, so just back off. Okay?"

"Not okay!" said Zim. "If nothing happened, then tell me about it! Why are you being so secretive? Huh? Tell Zim!"

"No!" Dib frowned indignantly. "It's none of your business!"

"YES!"

Dib sighed. He really wanted to get away. He didn't care how. "Okay, fine! I'll tell you! But not in front of Gir!"

"Why?" asked Zim. "Is it because it's too MATURE for him?!!"

"NO! I JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW! HE'S GIR!"

"True," Zim admitted. "But he's not even listening! Come on!"

"NO!"

Zim tackled Dib and pinned him to the ground, sitting on top of him. "TELL NOW!!!"

"HELL NO! GET OFF ME!"

"NEVER!!"

Just then, Gaz walked in playing her GameSlave BS. She looked at the two without saying a word.

"HEY!! GET OFF!! STOP THAT!!"

"NOW, DIB!!"

"NO!! NOT IN FRONT OF GIR!!"

"HE DOESN'T CARE!! I DOUBT HE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!"

"SO?!! I STILL DON'T WANNA!!"

"I DON'T CARE!!"  
Gaz stared in her usual Gaz-ish way. "I always knew there was something weird going on between you two."

Dib and Zim looked up. "Gaz?"

Gaz rolled her eyes and walked away.

Zim stood up, grabbing onto Dib (so that he couldn't escape). "Gaz! Wait! It's not what it looks like!" But she was already gone. Zim turned to Dib. "Now are you gonna tell me or not?"

"You're a persistent bastard, you know that, Zim?" Dib sighed. "Fine! I give up! We were watching a movie, and fell asleep on the couch. Nothing else. NOTHING! Happy now?"

"Not really," Zim admitted sadly. "That's boring."

"And I so we return to the you're-a-perv issue." Dib frowned and walked upstairs to his room. Zim followed him.

"Are you going back?" he asked.

"Shut up and go away," said Dib.

"Is that any way to talk to your bestest, BESTEST friend in the room?"

"If that's supposed to be you, then yeah."

Zim pouted. "Just answer the question!"

"Fine, Miss Zim Churchlady! Tak asked me on another date tonight. She wants to take me flying on her dad's private jet."

Zim perked up. "Tonight? That's a little early, dontcha think?"

"So?" Dib crossed his arms. "Nosy."

Zim gasped. "ZIM IS NOT NOSY!! FILTHY EARTH BOY LIES!!!!!!"

Dib rolled his eyes and went up the remaining stairs. "Go home, Zim. I have to get ready."

"Hmph… Not nosy…"

Zim went downstairs to retrieve Gir. "Gir, time to go."

"But… Buuut! The hamsters! The hamsters! I loves them!!" Gir started to cry. "I loves them so much!!"

"Sorry, Gir. Dib doesn't WANT us here anymore." Zim picked the younger boy up in his arms and carried him away, despite Gir's desperate flailing and squirming.

"NOOOOO, HAMSTERRRR!!"

"GIR! STOP THAT! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME DROP YOU!"

AVAVAVAVAVAVAV(ain't seen these in awhile)

They sat at home, and Gir was watching the magic hamster show, sniffling. His large, clear blue eyes were red and teary, and a frown was on his tear-stained face.

"I told you I was sorry!" said Zim.

Zim was correct in his previous theory, for Gir continued to wiggle in his arms, and Zim lost his grip on the boy. Gir fell to the ground and got a bump on his head. Other than that, he was unharmed.

Zim sighed. "Stop crying." Gir didn't. "I told you this would happen, Gir! Now stop your crying! I command you!" Still nothin'. "Do it now!" That actually made Gir cry harder. Zim groaned. "Watch the hamster, Gir! Look, it's dancing!"

After these failed attempts, Zim decided to try being nice. He shuddered. The thought of it… But it was worth a shot if it would make Gir shut up. Now how to go about this… nice-being? Hm… Zim thought about it. He remembered the human 'anime' Gaz had been watching. There was something in it that Gaz had said that she hated. If Gaz hated something, it had to be nice, knowing her. So…

Zim wrapped his arms around the tiny, sobbing boy and hugged him close to his chest. Gir stopped crying, and snuggled closer. So the niceness actually worked. Zim got a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. He didn't like it. He wanted it to stop. So Zim let go of Gir, who he had to pry off of him.

"Better?" Zim asked.

Gir nodded happily.

"Good." Zim looked out the window, and saw Tak, walking her little kitty, Mimi. He noticed something about her that he hadn't before. "Hey, Gir..." he said. "Does Tak look… familiar to you at all? Like we've seen her somewhere before?"

Gir thought for awhile. "Hm… Yeah! She's the lady who lives next door!"

Zim slapped his forehead. "No! You idiot! I meant BEFORE she moved in!"

"Oh… Is she the Waffle Queen?"

Zim stared. "Okay. You know what? Never mind. I'll figure it out myself."

"I like waffles. I like them GOOD."

And then it came to Zim. Everything came back in a flash. Valentines Day, the weenies, the pain, his robot bee abandoning him, everything. Even Tak.

He remembered having to pretend he loved that, ugh, HIDEOUS female. He remembered her throwing food at him, sending dogs after him, and overall abusing him, and Zim mistaking it for her showing her love. But she never loved Zim. She hated him more than words could even begin to describe. She hated him, in an inhuman way. Tak herself was in fact inhuman. She wasn't from Earth. Her father didn't even exist. She was IRKEN. Tak wanted to take over the Earth. She had failed the first time, but now, years later, was going to try again. And she had Dib. She would gain his trust, his love, and then most likely…

_Kill him._

Zim shuddered at the thought. Then he stopped himself. "Hey, let him die! It's what he gets for not listening to the almighty Zim!" _And it's not like I care or anything. His 'friendship' seemed useful at the time, but now it's…_ Even more useful. Necessary. Essential to life as Zim knew it. More so than the very air he breathed. Things weren't like before. They never would be again. Zim couldn't let Dib die. Never. He couldn't do it. Impossible. What was life without Dib around, just to have him around? Without him there…

Zim stood up. "Gir! Stay here and look after the base! I'm going to get Gaz!" He dashed out the door. Hopefully, Gaz would care.

Meanwhile, Dib arrived at the private hangar and met with Tak.

"You made it," she said grinning.

"Of course I did," said Dib. "I would never stand_ you_ up, Tak."

Tak smiled, and leaned in to kiss him. Their lips met, and Dib felt a bit dizzy. He pulled away, and collapsed, sliding into unconciousness.

Tak let out a crazy weasel laugh and dragged him onto her ship, which she had claimed to be a jet…

**RAPE! RAPE! LOL. Yes, Tak laughs like a crazy weasel. Don't deny it. You know it's true. But hey. I should shut up. I do too… Or more like a moose on crack, maybe. Hey, here's one for ya: What sound does a moose make? Answer and receive a heartwarming gift of free scratchies.**

**By the way, everyone feels that way about their best friend, don't we? I know why I hang around with Kio and… and… Invader Zims Victim, whatever the hell you wanna be called. I NEEDS them like air, and Coke (yes, I'm a Coca-cola addict), and how Gir needs his magic hamsters and his tacos. And I hope you guys need me. Do you?**

**IZV: Yess! *hugs***

**Kioku: Nope.**

**Me: *sulk***

**Kioku: …Kidding!**

**Okay, so anyway, today is Bestest Buddy Day. Call em, text em, email em, or if you're like Kioku and me, stick your head in their room. Whatever, just say hi! Tell them you need them like tacos! Then run away. If they're really your friend, they'll stay with you, even if they think you're crazy.**

**Me: I need you guys like tacos!!**

**IZV: I need you like llamas!!**

**Kioku: Are you nuts?**

**Us both: *staaare***

**Kioku: I need you more than that!! I need you like TIMOTEI!!**

**Me: Oh, wow! That's a lot!**

**Now tell them! I command thee!**

**Oh, oh yeah! One last announcement! ZIM LIKES BOYS.**

**Zim: I KILL YOU!!!!!!!!**

**I kid. Or do I….? Anyway, I'm already working on a sequel. To this. Hell yeah.**


	14. Judgement Day

**Hello, FOURTEENTH CHAPTER! Whee! I like fourteen. I'm fourteen. Two weeks have fourteen days in it. So, if you eat a waffle a day for two weeks, you've eaten FOURTEEN WAFFLES!! YAY!!**

**Okay, enough acting like Gir. Here's yer flippin' chapter.**

Zim raced to the Membrane house as fast as he possibly could. When he got there, he burst through the front door, hoping that Gaz would be there. "Gaz!" he called. "Gaz! Are you here?!"

"What?" called an annoyed voice from the kitchen.

"Gaz!" Zim flew to the kitchen and found Gaz sitting at the table reading. "Gaz! Dib's in trouble!"

"Good," she said.

"Not good! You have to come with me!"

Gaz looked up angrily. "I don't HAVE to do anything. So shut up and leave me the hell alone."

"Fine," said Zim, turning around to leave. What had he ever seen in her? The girl's beauty was obviously only skin deep. How could he have been so stupid?

Gaz stopped him. "I never said I wouldn't go with you. I finished my game, and this book really blows. I needed something to do." She stood up. Zim smiled. Why did he ever doubt her? Gaz looked at Zim. "Where to?"

AVAVAVAVAVAVAV

Dib's eyes blinked open. He had a headache, and the room was spinning.

"Unghh… Tak?" He looked around. No sign of Tak. Suddenly, he heard her voice.

"Mimi, are we prepared for liftoff?"

Dib was confused. Mimi was Tak's cat. And liftoff… It made no sense. He knew he was awake, but…  
And then he saw something he would never forget.

Only a few feet away from Dib stood an alien. It couldn't have been taller than 4'9". Its skin was green, its eyes bug-like and indigo, with long eyelashes. It wore a uniform similar to Zim's old one, only it was purple instead of red. Its long antennae curled under at the end. It spoke in TAK'S VOICE to a little robot it called Mimi. How was that possible? Unless… Tak was an alien all along! Dib looked down, and saw that he was tied up. It had all been a trap, and he had fell for it! All those years of paranormal investigation, and he had been fooled by a pretty girl! Dib was ashamed. All he could do now was wait for death, and he almost wanted it that way.

Dib closed his eyes, patiently awaiting the time when the alien Tak would stop his breathing, and his heart would forever be silenced…

There was a crash as the metal doors to the brig were forced open.

"You!" shrieked Tak.

"Let Dib go!" said a familiar voice. "He has nothing to do with you!"

Dib opened his eyes and saw Zim standing there. "Zim…"

"You remembered me?" she asked. "I thought I wiped your memories!"

"You did. But it wore off! You cannot fool the almighty ZIM with your puny powers of… MOOSE!"

"Moose?"

Zim paused. "YOU LIE!!"

Tak shook her head, brushing the insanity off. "You're a bigger fool than you were back then!"

"Eh?"

"You're a bigger fool than you were back then!"

"Eh?"

"You're a bigger fool than you were back then!"

"Eh?"

"You're a bigger fool than you were back then!"

"Eh?"

Tak sighed. "Not this again!" She continued. "You RUINED my life, Zim. TWICE! And now, I'm going to ruin the life of your friend. Then, I'll take over this planet and ruin YOURS, as payback for the times you've humiliated me!"

"What does Dib even have to do with this? It's me who messed up! Not him! If anyone should die, it should be me!"

Tak grinned evilly. "No. I want you to suffer, just as I did."

"Zim," said Dib. "Just go. I did this to myself for trusting her. I don't want you to get hurt."

"That's really noble of you," said Zim. "But nobility is stupid and gets you killed! And besides, it's my fault, not yours!"

Dib couldn't believe his ears. Zim admitted he was wrong? That was definitely a first. "Zim, get over it! She's nuts! None of this is your fault! I shouldn't have let my heart get in the way! I'm sorry! But… you have to just let me go, okay? If I die, maybe…"

"You IDIOT!" snapped Zim. "If you died, I couldn't keep myself alive! I CAN'T let you go!"

"Zim…" (This is NOT ZaDr, people!!)

"Because you're the best thing that's EVER happened to me! You're the only reason I even try anymore! You have to live! You claim to be my friend, and if that's true…" he looked up with tears forming in his eyes, and tried to force a smile. "Then do it for me. Okay?" (Cue the organ music)

Dib nodded. "Okay." Zim then began to untie his friend.

"Hey!" said Tak. "You can't just do that! I have to kill him first!" Tak patted around herself in search of her gun. "Oh, where's the fucking... I KNOW I had it on me!"

Gaz came in casually. "What did I miss?"

"Gaz!" said Dib.

"Hey, could you gimme a hand here?" asked Zim.

She clapped.

"Stop being a smartass and help get me down!"

Gaz looked up at her brother. "Actually, I like seeing you like this. Do we have to untie him?"

"GAZ!!"

"Fine," she sighed.

They all had Dib down on the ground before too long. Tak was STILL looking for her gun. Dib went over and looked out the window. "We're out in space!"

Tak laughed her weasley laugh. And she had found her gun. "Of course we're out in space! That way, no one on Earth will expect me of anything until it's too late!"

"Expect you of what?"

Tak sighed. "I'll explain my plan to you step by step. Since I love you SOO much." Dib frowned, and Tak continued. "Step one: move back to this HOLE IN THE GROUND. Step two: get the human to fall in love with me. Step three: poison Zim's little brat to distract him. Obviously, it didn't work."

Zim felt anger boiling inside of him. "Gir…. You tried to…."

Tak kept on, happily. "Step four: kidnap the human and get rid of him. We're on that step right now.

"As for my world domination plan, here it goes. You remember, dear Zim, that I have the ability to control minds by hypnosis? I now have all the world leaders under my command. All I have to do is tell them what to do." She laughed. "Now die!"

The next few events happened very quickly. A little rubber pig came flying out of nowhere and hit Tak's hand. It bounced off, squeaking as it hit the floor.

"What the…?!" They all looked up.

"Okeeeeiiiy, that didn't do what it was s'posed to…" Gir was standing on a metal balcony above them. "Can I have my piggy back now?"

"Gir!"

Gaz took advantage of Tak's distraction, and took her gun away.

"Hey!" said Tak. "That's no fair!"

"All's fair in love and war, bitch." Gaz held the gun up in front of her face.

Zim stared, practically drooling. "She's so hot…"

Dib made a face. "Can you please not talk like that about my little sister?"

Gir slid down a pole to the floor exclaiming "Wheeeeee!!"

Zim looked at Tak. "What's up with you? You seem… just a little crazy lately."

Tak grinned broadly. "Yes, I admit. Since the last time we met, I've gone slightly mad."

"Slightly?"

All of a sudden, Gaz loaded the gun.

Zim looked over. "Gaz?"

She slowly lifted the gun to her head.

"GAZ!!"

Zim rushed over, and held Gaz's hand out. Dib snatched it from her grasp.

"Gaz, it's okay now," said Zim, holding her in his arms.

"Zim…" she said, coming out of her trance.

Zim blushed.

Gaz frowned. "Get the hell away from me." She stood up straight again. "And you! You had me under mind control. What a cheap trick."

"Who was it who said 'All's fair in love and war?'"

"Fine. We have a gun now, so we're even." Gaz looked over.­ "Dib! Now!" Dib just stood there, staring through unfocused eyes. "Yo! Dim! Get your thumb out of your ass!"

Dib walked slowly to Tak… and handed her the gun.

"You idiot!" cried Gaz.

Dib snapped out of it. "Huh?" He looked at what he had just done.

"Good boy," said Tak.

"Oh, no…" Dib had just essentially committed suicide.

"Now," said Tak. "Say goodbye!"

Just as Tak was about to shoot them, Gir got mad and threw a cupcake at Tak's head. It hit the little silver thing on her forehead. It smoked, and Tak cried out in pain and rage. "Fool! Do you know what you just did?!"

"What did he just do?" asked Zim.

"The device that allows me to control minds, and provides my disguise hologram… He destroyed it!" (So THAT'S what that thing does…)

The others cheered. "Yeah! Go Gir!"

"Fools! Don't you know I have a second plan?" Tak pointed to a big red button on the floor. "See that big red button over there?"

"Wow!" said Zim. "You mean it actually does something?"

Tak frowned. "Oh, no. I just like red buttons so I decided to have one put in. YES, IT DOES SOMETHING! It detonates a bomb in the center of the Earth is what it does! MIMI!" The little robot jumped on the button, and a large countdown started up on a screen behind Tak. "Six hours! You have six hours until the bomb goes off! This green button, right here! It stops the countdown, but you'll never be able to get to it! Mimi, take care of them!" (There's our Tak…) She then fled.

"Gaz, Gir, you take on Mimi," said Zim.

"Why me?" asked Gaz.

"Because your name also starts with 'G'."

"Tell me what to do…" Gaz growled. "Fine! Go get killed! See if I care!"

Zim and Dib left to find Tak. In the distance, they heard Gaz yell "No, I WON'T dance with you!"

The two searched the ship, looking for the Irken girl. "Where is she?" asked Zim.

After awhile, there was still no sign of Tak. They were in the engine room, and it was dark, wet, and a bit creepy. They saw shadows jumped several times, but no Tak.

"I don't think she's in here," said Dib. "Let's move on." Zim nodded in agreement.

Zim saw a shadow behind Dib. This one moved, and looked a lot like…

Zim did the first thing his instincts told him to: shove Dib out of the way.

**Wow. No, I'm not gonna bother you with a long author's note after you just read that cliffhanger.** **Just wanna remind you to R&R. Daddy loves reviews.**


	15. Why Did You Do It?

**Hi. Oh, gosh, gotta make this quick! Can't keep 'em waiting with a huge dramatic cliffhanger! Uh… FLYING MONKEYS!! *flees***

"Ow! What the hell, Zi-"

A shot rang out in the dark. Zim fell to the ground.

"ZIM!" Dib fell to his knees beside his friend. "Zim, are you okay?!"

"What the hell… do you think?" Zim winced. "Ow…"

There was a dark stain spreading across Zim's stomach. Dib took off his jacket and tried to stop the bleeding. But it was no use. There was too much blood. "Zim, hang in there!"

"Don't… tell me what to do…" He coughed, allowing a river of blood to gush out of his mouth.

"Why?" asked Dib. "Why did you do it?"

"I thought I told you already," Zim said with some difficulty. "I had to."

Tak was happily watching all of this as if it were a scene from her favorite movie. It made Dib sick to see her smile while Zim was bleeding to death.

Zim shuddered as more blood dripped down his chin.

"You okay?" asked Dib. "Does that hurt?"

"Don't… mind me…" said Zim, breathing heavily. "Make sure… she doesn't get away again…"

Dib nodded.

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere," said Tak. "I'm enjoying the show."

Dib frowned in disgust. But at least he could stay with Zim. It was easy to see, although Dib didn't want to admit it, that Zim wasn't going to last much longer.

Zim reached up and grabbed Dib's shirt. "Take care… of Gir…. He's your problem now-" His eyes closed, and he fell limp. Dib felt his heart stop.

"Zim? Zim!" Dib became frantic. "Come on, Zim! Don't do this! Wake up! Please…" Tears rolled down Dib's face.

"M…Master?" (Yeah, Joey… I don't think he calls Zim that, either. But Gir's hard to write for. Fun, but hard.) The boy stood a few feet away, staring mortified at Zim's body.

"Gir…"

"What's wrong with him?" Gir turned to Dib. His eyes were filled with fear. "He's not moving. Why?"

"Gir… Why aren't you with Gaz?"

"She told me to get lost… So I did." He repeated his question. "What's wrong? Y-you look sad… Why is there red? H-he's not moving and…" Gir's eyes were wide open in shock.

"Calm down, Gir," said Dib. "He's just… hurt a little. Zim's sleeping." Dib put a hand on the little boy's head and smoothed the silver hair, trying to calm him down. "Why don't you stay here and look after him?" Gir nodded slowly.

Dib turned around, and Tak was laughing. Dib felt hot anger boiling inside him. Zim, the best friend he had ever known, was gone forever, and she was_ laughing_ about it?

Eventually, Dib couldn't take it any more. He snapped, attacking Tak. They fought for awhile, and Dib noticed that he had 5 hours to turn the bomb off. Why not do so now?

So he somehow snatched the button from Tak.

"NO!" cried Tak.

"Yes." Dib pressed the button, and with a chicken noise, stopped.

Tak was silent. She stared at the stopped clock for awhile with a blank look on her face. Then she started laughing. Tak laughed like a madwoman with Dib staring at her, then she pressed a green button on the wall next to her.

`"What did you just do?" asked Dib, shocked.

"That was the self destruct button," she replied with a crazed look. "Five minutes left. I'm going to die, and I'm taking YOU with me!!" Tak laughed again.

"You're insane!"

"Yes, three years in deep space will do that to you!!" She laughed louder, since this was apparently a joke to her.

Dib grabbed Gir's shoulder. "Come on, Gir! We have to go!"

Gir looked down sadly at his master. "But…"

"It's okay! Just come on!"

Gir nodded reluctantly, and followed Dib.

They found Gaz, who had just defeated Mimi. "Damn stupid robot."

"Gaz! Come on!"

The girl sighed. "Why?"

"We beat Tak," said Dib. "But now we have less than five minutes to get out!"

"Where's Zim?" asked Gaz.

"Zim's… dead."

Gir made a tiny shocked sound. Gaz raised her eyebrows, but obviously didn't care.

"But we have to move!" said Dib. "I mapped all the escape pods on our way through the ship. With Zim gone, I don't know how to operate them, but I shouldn't have much trouble figuring it out. Okay?"

"Your voice gives me homicidal thoughts."

"I'll take that as a yes."

They reached the escape pods with one minute and thirty-six seconds left. Dib and Gaz stepped inside, but Gir stayed outside, on the verge of tears.

"Gir!" said Dib. "Get in!"

"But… But…. I…"

"Gir… Get out of the way."

Gir turned around to see Zim, in very bad shape but still very much alive.

"Zim?" Dib was stunned.

Gir smiled and hugged Zim with a cry of glee, almost knocking him over.

"You told me he was dead," said Gaz angrily. "Never get my hopes up like that again."

Once they were all inside the capsule, a new problem.

"How do we make it go?" asked Zim.

Dib stared at him. "You don't know?"

"Why would Zim know?" he frowned. "Sexist."

Dib was confused. "How does that make me-"

"LIES!!" Zim doubled over in pain from the effort it took to accuse his friend of lying.

"Hey! Calm down!" said Dib. "You'll kill yourself!" He helped Zim sit down, and sighed. "Okay, this shouldn't be too hard." Dib got to work on looking for the way to start it, while Zim struggled for life, Gaz glared at him losing patience, and Gir happily hummed the Doom Song. Dib frowned. "So many buttons."

"48 seconds, Dib."

"I know, Gaz! I'm trying!" Dib looked around anxiously.

"Hey…" said Zim. "What's that?"

Dib looked up. There was a large, orange button that read "ABORT TO EARTH".

"Of course," they all said in unison. Dib pressed the button, and the door closed.

The pod launched at an incredibly high speed at the exact moment the explosion went off. It was really cool. But you guys couldn't see it, could you? Haha, suckers. It owned! Dib felt sick. Gir sat there 'whee'ing with his arms in the air. Gaz was bored as usual. Zim leaned against the side wall breathing heavily, his face decorated with pain.

They went so fast that within seconds, they were in view of the Earth. The stars rushed by in a blur, and Dib felt dizzy from looking at them. A few more seconds passed, and they accelerated. Dib guessed that the pod was nearing Earth.

"GIR! Sit down!"

Gir still continued to stand, and Dib had to grab him, and pull him to the floor. They braced themselves for impact.

The crash was loud, and sudden. They were all thrown like ragdolls against the ceiling, and Dib tried to cushion Zim from most of the impact. In his condition, it could have easily killed him.

It finally stopped. Dib and Gaz stood shakily to their feet. Dib (with no help from Gaz) held up an unconscious Zim. Gir jumped up and said, "Whoo! Let's go again!"

"NO!!"

They got out, and looked around…

To find themselves surrounded by a crowd of shocked, staring people.

**DIB'S NOT CRAZY!! YOU ALL SEE NOW!! AHAHAHAMOOSE!! *caffeine rush wears off and he collapses***


	16. Epilogue of Toast

**Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Last chapter! I never thought I'd get this far! Happy! Now you read!**

Dib sat, waiting for the bus with a soda in hand. He had gotten it in hopes that the cold temperature and the caffeine would wake him up some. Dib sighed. He hadn't slept in awhile. The many interviews and press attacks over the past week had made him a bit of a celebrity.

When the pod crashed, everyone went insane. Scientists did tests proving not only that Dib and the others themselves were not aliens, but also ones confirming that it was in fact not of this world. Membrane was at the head of this research, so the results weren't widely questioned. Every magazine, news channel, and paper wanted an interview, and Dib was happy to suffice. The government had even paid him half a million dollars so that they could keep it. Everyone who once hated and ridiculed Dib now looked at him in awe and sheer admiration. No one would ever call him crazy again.

But all of this had left him exhausted. There was no way he was going to walk there. The bus finally came, and Dib (taking special care not to be noticed) stepped on.

With all of the chaos, Dib hadn't had time to even see Zim, so he decided he would do that now.

Gir was still pretty upset. All of it had really affected him. Dib reached his stop: the 'brothers' house. He got off the bus to find Gir, crying on the front steps.

"Hey, Gir," said Dib quietly. "You okay?" No answer. Dib sighed. "Gir… It wasn't your fault. There was nothing we could do." Still no answer. "Come on, Gir! It was just a freaking squirrel!"

Gir had been depressed since the day before because of a squirrel he had found dead on the side of the road. He named it Bucky, and forced Dib to dig Bucky a grave so that they could have a funeral. In doing so, Gir had temporarily forgotten about Zim.

Zim was still in the hospital. He slept most of the time, only waking twice in the past week, and then just for a few brief seconds. Gir had been the only one to see him.

"How's Zim?" Dib asked Gir.

"Reeeally sleepy," the boy replied. "I tried to wake him up."

"Gir!" shouted Dib. "That's not good! You should let him sleep!"

"But it didn't work!" protested Gir.

Dib sighed. "Okay, just don't do it again." He held out his hand. "Come on. Let's go visit him."

AVAVAVAVAVAVAV

They reached the hospital by bus, and Gir lead Dib down the hall, skipping, to Zim's room. The door opened, and they walked inside.

Zim was asleep, as Dib expected. His eyes were closed, and his chest gently rose and fell with the slow beeping of his heart monitor. He was attached to many machines. Gir frowned. "Le'ss wake 'im up!"

"NO, GIR!" Dib grabbed him, holding the child's arms behind his back.

At that moment, Zim's eyes fluttered open. "Hey," he said groggily.

"Damn… Sorry." Dib released Gir, very angry with the boy for causing him to wake Zim up. Gir happily leapt to Zim's side. "How do you feel?"

"Tired," replied Zim.

"Then you should sleep," said Dib. "We'll leave you alone." He started to take Gir outside. Zim stopped him.

"Stay."

Dib smiled a bit. "Okay."

And to think, all of this began with a squirrel man named Jenkins.

**The end. Was it good? Good.**

**STICK AROUND FOR THE SUPER DUPER AFTER-FIC PARTY!! NEXT CHAPTER!! IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!!**


	17. PARTY!

**Hello for the last time on this fic! Sad, I know. But hey, now for the last time, we're gonna have fun! Party!**

**Welcome to the end of fic party. Is it an author note? Is it a bonus? Who knows? Who cares? All we know is, it's a party.**

**MQuinn1234: *kills Keef and brings him back with the magic of sock puppets, then does it again* YESS!!!**

**Phoenix: Well, at least he's having fun…**

**Dib: Hey, wasn't there gonna be a sequel? **

**Phoenix: Maaaybe.**

**Zim: Eh, well, as long as I don't get shot again, it's fine with me.**

**Phoenix: Hm… *writes in notebook***

**Zim:….What did you just write?**

**Phoenix: Uh… Zim's a nice person?**

**Invader Zims Victim: D…. I… B!!!!!!!!! *tackles Dib***

**Dib: Eek!**

**GirPiggy: HISSSS, MAHN!! *they fight over Dib***

**Phoenix: Catfight.**

**Kioku: Meowr.**

**Becky: Hello, Hitachiins.**

**Kioku: Who?**

**Phoenix: Oh, fuck you. You don't even have an account.**

**Becky: Don't need one. I can still read it.**

**Phoenix: …You're a lil shorty with blue hair!!**

**Becky: Oh, ouch. That REEEEALLY hurt. Is Nny here?**

**Phoenix: No, Nny is not here. This is IZ, woman.**

**Becky: Hm…. Gir?**

**Phoenix: Over there.**

**Gir: DANCE WITH ME!!**

**Tak: SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! **

**Gaz: Better you than me.**

**Phoenix: Oh, Tak. You're just sad cause Gir was the turkey all along and not you.**

**Tak: …What?**

**Phoenix: *makes a weasel noise and runs away***

**Caro: Hi.**

**Phoenix: Tak's sad because Gir was the turkey all along and not her.**

**Caro: Tak! Don't be jealous of Gir!**

**Tak: SILENCE!!**

**Phoenix: Okay! You don't have to PMS about it! Gawsh! Oh, damn… I don't know what I'm gonna do after this! Emo, emo, emo….**

**Caro: It's okay. Weren't you going to make a sequel?**

**Phoenix: Oh, yeah! And I'm making my Ouran thingy. I STILL NEED A HUNNY!!!!!!!! I'm also debating on whether or not to post my fanfic about Felony, my friend Becky's JTHM character. OR SHE COULD GET AN ACCOUNT AND DO IT HERSELF!!!!!**

**Becky: Neverrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!**

**Phoenix: I'm also TRYING to start a band. Desperately trying. It's called Suicidal Maniacs Unite. **

**Gir: Ooh! Ooh! Let's do the Time Warp!**

**Zim: ZIM DOES NO TIME WARP!!!!!!!!!**

**Dib: Me neither! *magically is dressed in a maid costume* AAGH!!!!!!!WHAT THE HELL?????!!!!**

**All the others (esp. Zim): LOL!**

**Thanks to all my fans, and the people who read and review. Thanks to IZV, my friend in real life, who encouraged me to post this in the first place. Thanks to Caro, who is so awesome. She's always there to bounce ideas off of and just talk to. Thanks to Kioku for…. Whatever he did.**

**Kioku: Not killing you in your sleep.**

**Yeah, for not killing me in my sleep. Thanks to Goofyannoyingkids, GirPiggy, MQuinn1234, JoeMerl, and everybody else who reviewed.**

**I'm gonna miss you guys so much. Hopefully not for long. And you can PM me anytime. **

**Goodbye for the last time on this.**


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